Archive for the ‘humorous poems’ Tag

‘Twas the night before Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas and down at the hall
They decided to hold a fancy dress ball
First prize was a bottle of guzzlers gin,
10 fags, a large turkey and ham in a tin
So everyone there would be doing their best
To be very original to outdo the rest
At 8 o’clock sharp the doors opened wide
And 30 fat Santa’s hurtled inside
Cecil and Cedric created a scene
When they both glided in dressed as 2 fairy queens
The girls from the union of Christmas card packers
Came dressed as a box of red Christmas crackers
And a dog dressed as Rudolph when nature did call
Wet Dougie’s tree costume, balls, tinsel and all!
At 9 a brawl started and Jim got a knocking
He was seen putting presents in Jill’s Christmas stocking
Not a thing wrong with that, but wait just a minute
He seems too drunk to notice her leg is still in it
A motley assortment of pixies and elves
Were sat in the corner amusing themselves
By smoking the fags and drinking the gin
And eating the ham that they’d found in the tin
The hall was now full, ‘twas packed to the brim
And the scrooges in town weren’t allowed get in
So for spite one chap made a 999 call
“They’re drunk and disorderly down at the hall”
Then back at the hall there was a big shout
“The snowman has melted, his pipes fallen out”
A candle turned round and shouted “you liar”
When all of a sudden the hall caught on fire
Fire extinguishers were grabbed off the wall
But try as they might they could not save the hall
But thanks to the scrooges the police came real quick
And out of the panda jumped Constable Dick
Fire engines arrived and they knew without doubt
It wouldn’t take long ‘til the fire was out
But the copper was angry “you all make me sick”
And without more ado led them straight down the nick
They were hustled and bustled and locked in the cells
And the rattling of bars blotted out Christmas bells
Then old Dick the copper with good Christmas Cheer
Laughed at the crowd and then said with a sneer
“You’ll be stuck here all Christmas and serves you all right
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.”

Jacky Leonard and Evie Thomas © 1981

With apologies to Clement C Moore

Authors Notes
Written with my cousin Evie, for a school play.  I was playing the role of headteacher, with more than a nod to the Head at our school.  This poem ended the play to great applause from the students and teachers.  I thankfully avoided expulsion in spite of my caricature. 

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The Coach’s Challenge

Can I give advice?  Can I tell them now?
Some clients seem so clueless about the what and how.
I know just how to help them, there’s things I can suggest
To get them closer to their goals and be their very best.
The problem is I’ve been told that coaching’s non-directive,
I’m supposed to ask them questions, be attentive and objective.
But surely that can’t be right, when I have so much to give;
I could tell them what to do and think and how they ought to live.
So explain to me just one more time why coaches don’t advise?
Particularly as we’re clearly, so brilliant and wise!

Jacky Leonard – © April 2013

Author’s notes

This one was written during a recent Coaching Certificate event in London with The Coaching Academy.  Invariably the most asked question from novice or prospective coaches is centred around giving advice.  Although it may be framed in various different ways, such as” Can I give advice?” “Would it be OK to suggest options?”  “What if I have a really good suggestion?”…etc…you get the idea…it seems to present one of the biggest challenges!

Getting abreast of the situation

Put your shirt on came the shout
Please don’t get your mammaries out
It isn’t big, it isn’t clever,
It’s not even the sort of weather
For showing off your ample chest
Without the covering of a vest.
You’re bound to catch your death of cold,
You really shouldn’t be so bold.
For pity sake, hear what I say
And go and put your tits away!

(Jacky Leonard © 2002)