Archive for the ‘Just for fun’ Category

Getting abreast of the situation

Put your shirt on came the shout
Please don’t get your mammaries out
It isn’t big, it isn’t clever
It’s not even the sort of weather
For showing off your ample chest
Without the covering of a vest
You’re bound to catch your death of cold
You really shouldn’t be so bold
For pity sake here what I say
And go and put your tits away!

© Jacky Leonard

Authors Notes

This was written after hearing a story about a friend of a friend, who’s party trick, when she got drunk, was to take her top off and show the world her breasts.  Ah well, we’ve all got our little quirks.  The thing that stirred me into writing was witnessing the disgust with which my friend shared the tale.  Made me chuckle at how appalled she was that someone would do such a thing.  Surprising how many names we have for a woman’s’ chest.

The Easter Bunny

I’m sitting here this morning and feeling rather blue
My waistline has expanded and my teeth are aching too
What’s caused this bad depression is that recently you see
The Easter Bunny called here with a present just for me
With no thought with my skin or teeth, my waistline, rump, or legs
I tucked into a banquet of gooey chocolate eggs
Ah, but I’ll get my own back and grab him by his fur
And pull out all his whiskers when he comes again next year

Jacky Leonard and Evie Thomas © 1980

Authors Notes
Written with my cousin Evie, for her children at Easter.  Us being silly again…only the Welsh can rhyme fur with year!

‘Twas the night before Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas and down at the hall
They decided to hold a fancy dress ball
First prize was a bottle of guzzlers gin,
10 fags, a large turkey and ham in a tin
So everyone there would be doing their best
To be very original to outdo the rest
At 8 o’clock sharp the doors opened wide
And 30 fat Santa’s hurtled inside
Cecil and Cedric created a scene
When they both glided in dressed as 2 fairy queens
The girls from the union of Christmas card packers
Came dressed as a box of red Christmas crackers
And a dog dressed as Rudolph when nature did call
Wet Dougie’s tree costume, balls, tinsel and all!
At 9 a brawl started and Jim got a knocking
He was seen putting presents in Jill’s Christmas stocking
Not a thing wrong with that, but wait just a minute
He seems too drunk to notice her leg is still in it
A motley assortment of pixies and elves
Were sat in the corner amusing themselves
By smoking the fags and drinking the gin
And eating the ham that they’d found in the tin
The hall was now full, ‘twas packed to the brim
And the scrooges in town weren’t allowed get in
So for spite one chap made a 999 call
“They’re drunk and disorderly down at the hall”
Then back at the hall there was a big shout
“The snowman has melted, his pipes fallen out”
A candle turned round and shouted “you liar”
When all of a sudden the hall caught on fire
Fire extinguishers were grabbed off the wall
But try as they might they could not save the hall
But thanks to the scrooges the police came real quick
And out of the panda jumped Constable Dick
Fire engines arrived and they knew without doubt
It wouldn’t take long ‘til the fire was out
But the copper was angry “you all make me sick”
And without more ado led them straight down the nick
They were hustled and bustled and locked in the cells
And the rattling of bars blotted out Christmas bells
Then old Dick the copper with good Christmas Cheer
Laughed at the crowd and then said with a sneer
“You’ll be stuck here all Christmas and serves you all right
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.”

Jacky Leonard and Evie Thomas © 1981

With apologies to Clement C Moore

Authors Notes
Written with my cousin Evie, for a school play.  I was playing the role of headteacher, with more than a nod to the Head at our school.  This poem ended the play to great applause from the students and teachers.  I thankfully avoided expulsion in spite of my caricature. 

A changed woman

A house in a town on a cold dark day
It looks like the rest in the row
Inside sits a woman with nothing to say
And no where that she cares to go
She looks in the mirror while doing her chores
And stares at the stranger within
Recalling the day that she worked as a whore
In McOnnally Duffs house of sin
The years come and go a woman can change
If only her knickers and vest
A proud housewife now, she remembers when she
Was decidedly one of the best
A vicar had come to her one dark night
Full of animal lust and desire
But when he couldn’t extinguish what he felt in his heart
He wed her to put out the fire
So now some years later we look at her fate
A do gooder now fair and true
But if she answered honestly what’s in her heart
She’d much rather be a good do!


Jacky Leonard and Evie Thomas © 1980

Authors Notes

Written with my cousin Evie, when I was still at school.  We used to spend hours playing with words and making each other laugh.  I can thank her for getting me interested in poetry and prose.  I miss her heaps.

Quiz night

10 around a table, trying to look smart

Questions seem a trifle tough, quiz master have a heart

We’d like to get a few right and leave with heads held high

It seems a bit unlikely, but we’ll give it one last try


Jacky Leonard – © 2010


Author’s notes

Written after a fun, albeit unsuccessful quiz night with friends


The Coach’s Challenge

Can I give advice?  Can I tell them now?
Some clients seem so clueless about the what and how.
I know just how to help them, there’s things I can suggest
To get them closer to their goals and be their very best.
The problem is I’ve been told that coaching’s non-directive,
I’m supposed to ask them questions, be attentive and objective.
But surely that can’t be right, when I have so much to give;
I could tell them what to do and think and how they ought to live.
So explain to me just one more time why coaches don’t advise?
Particularly as we’re clearly, so brilliant and wise!

Jacky Leonard – © April 2013

Author’s notes

This one was written during a recent Coaching Certificate event in London with The Coaching Academy.  Invariably the most asked question from novice or prospective coaches is centred around giving advice.  Although it may be framed in various different ways, such as” Can I give advice?” “Would it be OK to suggest options?”  “What if I have a really good suggestion?”…etc…you get the idea…it seems to present one of the biggest challenges!

The big 4 0

Life begins at 40
It’s not too late to start
Don’t let the bastards tell you
That you are an old fart
Don’t let them tease and chide you
About the wrinkles and the grey
You’re sure to get your own back
On their 40th birthday

Jacky Leonard – © 2002


© Jacky Leonard

Author’s notes
A lighthearted take on the big 4, 0.  Remember age is just a number!

Get Active!

Exercise is healthy, it makes you feel real good
Most people don’t do much of it although they know they should
Come on you couch potatoes, don’t sit and look a fool
Adopt an active lifestyle now, ‘cos being fit is cool

© Jacky Leonard 1995

Author’s notes
This was written when I was worked for Sports Development in Bromley, after a bit of office banter.

Messy business!

An early morning stroll with natures beauty all around
My progress interrupted by dog mess on the ground
They’re man’s best friend; I love them; they’re not the ones to blame
It’s their irresponsible owners who should hang their heads in shame
So please consider others, don’t commit that mortal sin
Of leaving dog’s poo on the path; just put it in the bin!

© Jacky Leonard 2012

Author’s notes
Written in response to my neighbours rant about those dog owners who have a disgusting habit of ‘forgetting’ their responsibility to pick up after their animals.

Crazy for you

I think I’m going crazy
Or perhaps I’m not at all
It’s probably down to feeling
All these symptoms of withdrawal
That may sound quite confusing
But it makes good sense to me
It’s just I’m missing you so much
I love you loads you see!

© Jacky Leonard